Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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