is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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