in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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