I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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