dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
