And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
