someone threw a dead crab at me
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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