youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
