she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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