I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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