Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
