Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
