Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
