How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
