Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
i've created a new STD.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
