My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
