I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
