if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
i think my cat just said my name.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
