i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Randomize
