I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
