We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
