There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
