I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
