We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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