her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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