i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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