she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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