someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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