You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
