Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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