your thong is hanging out like whoa
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
