There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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