we're chasing vodka with high fives
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
