dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
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I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
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It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I have tasted many bathrooms
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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