nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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