Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
