I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
