If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
