I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
