Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
you would pick up someone in the library
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
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Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
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I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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