I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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