I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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