Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
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