i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
This house was built for laser tag.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
