bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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