That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
