i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
