the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
