I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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