I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
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