god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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