just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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