I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
