dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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