Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
