Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
